The past few weeks have proved to be especially difficult. Its not so much a matter of what I busy my self with but more so the anxieties that have been plaguing me. I found it easy to say to my self "Don't focus on it" but really that did nothing to curb the welling fear of the uncertainty in the road ahead of me in terms of education and life. However, I kept trying my hardest to break from the depressing nature of such thoughts, but continually came to find that my own efforts, large or small, were to no avail. That is my weakness, I try to do everything with my own power rather than depending and waiting on God. Some may say that it is alright to worry about this thing or that but in thinking about it, I cannot get past the selfish nature of such thinking. Here I am thinking that my problems and uncertainties are the most important things in the world and that everything else can take its place behind them. How wrong I am!

These past few days God has done a lot to make me realize where my perspective should be. My perspective should not be focused on myself, but on God (Colossians 3:1) and those around me (Philippians 2: 3-4). What I mean by this is more than just taking them into consideration, but to manifest the love of Christ towards them over yourself in your actions. This could mean spending time with friends and really getting to know about what has been happening in their lives and how you could be praying for them. Gaining such a perspective of where I consider myself and my problems of the least significance to those of another person has been so freeing for me. This is exactly how Christ lived His life on earth. Christ made it a point to seek the interests of others by humbling Himself below that of His creation so that God's grace towards His creation would be made complete through the sacrificial death of Christ and His subsequent resurrection! (Philippians 2:5-8) God calls me to be obedient to Him in that I need to regard others as more important than my own worries or issues, not begrudgingly, but rather in a manner marked by obeisance. So while the future is still uncertain, I am excited for where God is leading me and even more excited for how He will use me to reach out to those in need!

My heart feels heavy as the realizations of what a few forthcoming acceptance letters could mean for my life for the next 2 years. But I have to ask my self what matters most if it comes down to deciding between schools. Sure I could go for the easy options and choose the least expensive or the most accessible, but is that where my heart lies? Do I desire the materialistic gratifications of the academically better schools, if those should be options, or is there something more that I desire at the smaller schools that would have a larger impact for Christ? I do not know how to reconcile these past 8 months. I am seeing my connections with friends and acquaintances slowly being severed. Also, I have never before felt so disconnected with Arizona State University or with the college group at my home church. In regards to how I serve student ministries at church, I have been feeling that it is time to move on.

Often times the obvious path, according to society's standards, is not the path to be taken. At this point I feel a strong sense to move on and take a new path for which the end is blocked from sight. Usually people like to know where they are going, it gives them a sense of security. However, at this point I feel so stifled by other people's expectations of me that I will gladly take another path, not to prove them wrong but to figure out what the desires of my heart are in pursuit of seeking to serve God with my life.

You will seek Me (God) and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:13

Where will I go from this point? I'm not sure but within at least 1 week, if not 3 weeks, God will tell me where I will be for the next 2 years.

For what reason is God stirring my heart and leading me to do things that I could not have imagined a few short months ago?